Family Rules: What is a Family?

By Janis Prince Innis

When I learn of friends and families who have decided to live together, I wonder about the legal implications—especially when the couple decides to buy a home or share some other large financial undertaking. In fact, when I hear of some couples getting married, I often think about the legal implications of those unions. Does she really want to be legally bound to that guy? Is he sure about legally joining with such a woman?

The romantic notion of marriage is that it is a union between a man and woman (or if you’re more liberal—this definition could include two people of the same sex). Have you ever been married or even involved in a long-term serious relationship? If so, then you know that these relationships are not ever just between two people!

I’m sure you’ve heard things like: I don’t care what his mother thinks because I’m not marrying her! Really? Marriage and similar relationships are not only legal institutions but social institutions that define who our family is. And trust me, your family of origin (the one into which you were born) has a lot to say and do with your family of (pro)creation (the one you create through marrying and having children).

At a basic level, think about the quality and nature of family relationships if your in-laws hate you! Imagine the friction this could cause between you and your spouse and/or between your spouse and his or her parents. Want to bet that interferes with the spousal relationship? And when/if children are born into this fractured situation how do you imagine all of this might play out? Yep. Another area of battle: “Your mother hates me! Why would I let her watch the baby?”

The truth is that although we like to think about our romantic lives as just that “ours”, they exist in a much wider context. Wearing my family therapist hat, I could discuss the many ways that your past influences your mate selection. But thinking as sociologist, I know the family-- our most basic unit of society-- is important too.

I had never heard of the Sister Wives until I saw it showcased on The Oprah Winfrey Show, but it illustrates some important issues about family formations in this society. The show is about a polygamous family (one in which three or more people are married). Actually, it features a polygynous family—one man with more than one wife; this is the most common form of polygamy. How come? Why is polyandry—one woman married to at least two men—not at least as common as polygyny? How come fundamentalist Mormons practice polygyny, but not polyandry? Do you think that in a society of single women outnumbering single men, these double standards are a surprise?

In a society in which we have double standards about sexual mores and behaviors that constrain female sexuality, polyandry would be an even bigger stretch than polygyny. (In fact, the husband in the show referred to the idea of his first wife in a polyandrous relationship as “vulgar.”) This is an example of how much more prescriptive we can be about the numbers of sexual partners women have than men.

During the show, one of the “Sister Wives” asked a question worth considering: Given that all of the women entered into this relationship freely, why can’t they be left alone? (I think the comment was made in the context of the husband facing felony charges for bigamy.) Good question. Why can’t society leave people to form families as they like? Or do you think you’re free to stay single, mingle as you want to, or marry whomever you choose? Sure. Just a few guidelines though:

1. Be single if you want to, but you’ll miss out on the tax and other incentives that married couples enjoy.

2. If you’re cohabiting, be glad you didn’t live in a time when it was illegal to do so as you would not have been able to rent a place together. And if you live in Florida, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina or Virginia, be careful as these five states still have anti-cohabitation laws on the books! According to a legal expert I consulted, these laws have not been enforced in years and are thought to have been made unconstitutional by the U.S. Supreme Court decision, Lawrence v. Texas, 539 U.S. 558 (2003) which gave gay couples a constitutional right to be intimate—and therefore, gives heterosexual cohabitants the same right.

3. Your beloved better be of a different sex (in most states of the U.S. anyway) or you can’t marry.

4. You better only have one beloved, or at least keep your additional loves outside of marriage. We practice monogamy… at least ostensibly. (Hey, I’m not endorsing extramarital affairs, simply stating the conditions for marriage in this society.)

5. Your beloved better not be a family member. (Like almost every other society, we insist on upholding rules upholding exogamy: We prohibit marriage and sex between relatives.)

Can you think of other rules to add to this list?

Comments

[felisha miller]

I think that men can be more jealous then some women, not saying that women dont get jealous too but when a women is married to more the men have to fight for attention with women they can talk and gossip to one another, almost like they like sharing a man.

[rachel]

I really liked your article. I really liked the part with the Sister Wives. It was interesting and I've never really heard of a story like it.

[Tyler]

I think that when you marry into a family, each person is then given a specific role to follow in that family. But when there's a strain on a relationship in the family, such as an in-law hating you, you tend to get role conflicts. Why is it that all of this happens when you really just want to be with the person you love? Because they love more than just you; they love their parents and siblings and friends and home just as you do, and there's a sudden expectation for it to be loved by you too. By marrying, you get that achieved status and choose to love it, too.

[sunil satpathy]

I think that:A family is a group of people who are important to each other and offer each other love and support.In order to be sensitive to the wide variety of life styles,living arrangements,and cultural variations that exist today,the family can no longer be limited to just parent-child relationships.Family involvement must reach out to include - mothers,fathers,sisters,brothers,grandparents,neighbors,and other persons who have important roles in the lives of people with disabilities.

[April]

I like your blog, its very interesting. Family is very important to you and some day it could be the only thing you have let. You should love your family even if you guys argue and fight you should still love them.

[Katey]

I think the show 'Sister Wives' is very much based on social norms in a way that men are considered of a higher status then women when men have more sexual partners.Women are considered disgusting and whores when they are having sexual initmacies with more than one person. I believe those 2 viewpoints are why polyandry is not heard about as often as polygyny. It is socially acceptable for men to have more than one sexual partner. Though it is not considered socially acceptable for polygamy to occur because the definition of marriage is for only 2 individuals, no more.
As far as family goes, it is very important to have your family to run to when you face major struggles in life. Your family should always be willing to accept you as a person and to let you in when you are in need.Life is too short to judge.

[John]

I think that in our society there are more cases of polygyny is more common than polyandry because men in the Mormon society have a higher value in society than women therefore it is ok for them to have more than one sexual partner and not be judged for it. If a man has more than one sexual partner they are often looked up too instead of looked down upon by other males much like females our in modern society.

[Lexie Cook]

I think that the author of this blog is definitely right when they say that marriage is just as much of a social institution as a legal institution. While you may think that you can just ignore your in-laws if they don't like you, it will never be that easy. Eventually it will get very hard if your family doesn't get along.

[Nina Muller]

I think that Janice Prinns is referring to marriage as something that it is not--all about the legalities. Marriage is supposed to be about love, and romance, and wanting to spend the rest of your life with that one special person. I know this sounds incredibly naive and simple, but why can it not be?
Families are the basic units of sociology, and very important. And when you marry someone, you are making a new family, your own family. I think it is wrong to say that marrying one person is like marrying the whole family. If you really love someone, then what your or their family thinks should not matter. If your mother is your brain at 25...then you should not be getting married.
Marriage is a serious joining, and between loved ones. This post is extremely narrow minded and it does not mention the real purpose of marriage.

[Madison]

I really liked your article. I think people should be able to make their families however they want in society but they should follow the guidelines you have given.

[Paige Kushion]

I liked your article a lot. Sister wives seems like a weird show. I would never even consider being married to a guy that already has three wives. Are these four women all legally married to this man? I really don't think that this is right at all and don't see how the four women can function. In my mind this is considered completely wrong if they are all married to this man.

[ashlyn mancini]

I'm in a sociology class right now and I feel like you've really helped me understand the concepts of polygyny. I also really like how in your article there was the interview with the stars of that show. I was impressed with how people think it's wrong because our social norms tell us it is. GOOD JOB. In America, monogamy is usualy practiced, so to get someone that's breaking the norms it immediatly puts us on guard and irratated. It just Amazes me. Good job agian.

Ashlyn Mancini

[Morgan]

You make a lot good points about gay marriages and the different shows out there that fuel the fire about a lot of the main issues today. We just had a disscussion about gay marriages and what would be the implications of allowing a man and a man or a woman and woman get married. I think it the pros out weigh the cons because a person can't help who they love or attracted to and if they want to marry that person, so be it.

[john]

I agree with what you are saying, and found it very intersting how you explained about the consqeunces of a rushed marriage, or even the other types of marriages such as polygamy and polyagny. Very well done.

[Janis Prince Inniss]

Thanks for all the feedback!

(And no, the women are not all legally married to the man in the polygamous family mentioned.)

[Loren]

The rules concerning what is a family have changed over the years in the public eye. I tend to think that most of the behavior that is categorized as strange has been going on for years and has just now found its way into the public eye. It is a known fact that the majority of people have a hard time with accepting change. In this case is the change really necessary or needed? There have been family traditions that have been carried out for a countless number of years. Who is to say that these new practices are not one of them. When it boils down to it, it is a personal preference to what time of family you would like to raise, grow up in, and become a part of in the future.

[Victoria]

I really like the way you addressed this controversial topic. I think it is interesting that we live in a "free nation" but there are still ridiculous restrictions on families and what defines one.

[Breanne Badger]

I agree that once a man and woman commit themselves to each other through marriage, their choice will affect everyone in the family. Once they have children, things will change because they now have to offer love towards one another and their children. When a couple has children it becomes easy to loose site of the love they hold for each other. So once a couple is married they must remember to take time for themselves to build on their bond and also take time for them. I believe just because you fall in love and get married, it is important to not loose your own identity. Then when it comes to polygamous families I will never understand because your giving the love that was meant for one to numerous people and that breaks the vows.

[Lindsay]

I really liked this article. I also really liked the part about "Sister Wives". I have never heard of anything like that before. I agree that people should be able to make there family how they want to but they should follow the guidlines that you provided.

[Mary]

I liked the article but I think that marriage is a relationship that should be between two people not one man and three women and not the other way around. If you truely love someone it should be only one person you truely should share the love with.

[Danny Santos]

I found it very interesting how you suggest that our romantic lives are not just "ours" but also everyone else involved in our own personal lives. I believe this is very true and you were very clear in all of your ideas as well as the way that you portray how other people in our lives can affect the way that a marriage or relationship can play out.

[Carissa]

I really enjoyed this article! I have heard about the sister wives show, and it seems very controversial. Its good for me, as a teenager to hear different sides of the story. I really learned a lot by reading this article, so thanks!

[Quinnie Conway]

I enjoyed this article, but for some reason in my mind stories like "The Sister Wifes" are sickening. Not only is polygamy illegal, but I dont feel that any of those children can possibly get the love and one on one time they need with their father. In my mind that is not a family.

[Joe]

Great post if onyl the world could see this, families are being torn apart now more than ever, it seems like. I think that people shouldnt start a family unless they are sure they want to make that commitment. Anways great post it was really interesting and kept me reading.

[Stephanie]

I think that there should be no polygyny. One man should only be married to one woman and that is it.