The Case for Heartbreak Workplace Support

By Stacy Torres

Recovering from my own recent romantic breakups, I drew comfort from seeing one of the hardest working women in Hollywood take a break.

This spring as I walked to my office across the street from San Francisco’s Chase Center, Jennifer Lopez’s sparkling visage peered confidently from a giant advertisement for an upcoming show. Hours later, she canceled her summer tour amid poor ticket sales and rumors of marital problems with husband Ben Affleck, "taking time off to be with her children, family and close friends," according to Live Nation’s announcement. By summer’s end, J.Lo had filed for divorce on their two-year anniversary.

Most of us nurse our mangled hearts in private—for me, preferably while swaddled in a warm blanket—not under a celebrity microscope. But we should also have access to leave and other workplace support during relationship crisis or dissolution.

Though commonplace and painful, relationship breakdown remains a stigmatized, disenfranchised grief that often doesn't receive sufficient recognition. The dissolution may bring relief but also prompt complicated mourning for someone still living. Losing a significant other can also destabilize identity, as heartbreak ballad queen Mariah Carey aptly observed: "When you left I lost a part of me."

Social expectations to move on quickly may isolate the lovelorn in their suffering. I’ve often felt self-conscious among colleagues in enduring marriages and partnerships. But healing from heartbreak resembles more a marathon than a sprint. Separation has many difficult and protracted phases, a process which sociologist Diane Vaughan calls “uncoupling.” Dumpers and dumpees both suffer and must rebuild their lives.

While trusting, stable, and satisfying relationships confer benefits including sex, love, companionship, and social support, their loss can wreak havoc on physical and mental health. The heartbroken may face depression, loneliness, irritability, change in appetite, trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, and physical pain.

Love lost tests the compartmentalizing ability of the hardiest souls. A split can also unleash logistical upheaval, potentially forcing us to move, change jobs, attend court, divide property, disentangle finances, navigate co-parenting, and absorb financial responsibilities for a single-earner household. While work can offer “meaningful distraction,” such tumult can also contribute to burnout, absenteeism, and lowered productivity.

A recent radio segment about pet bereavement leave made me consider different forms of grief and what employers can do to alleviate the pain of losing an important someone, whether a dog, spouse, or FWB (yes, seriously. Google “pain breakup FWB,” and you’ll uncover enormous suffering).

Breakups come in different flavors, from amicable to hostile and everything in between. Mine have all devastated me: surprise departures; the anticlimactic denouement of ambiguous “situationships;” and prolonged goodbyes preceded by years of salvage efforts. Having recently endured three breakups over roughly eight months, including an eight-year partnership; an on-again, off-again two-year affair; and a brief but intense relationship with an old friend who reappeared, then abruptly dumped me, I’ve contemplated the toll of heartbreak on workers and what we can do to support them.

Despite mental anguish, I’ve managed to keep my job. Detaching from exes and counting “no contact (NC)” days often felt like withdrawal from an addictive substance. Lurking on Reddit and Quora message boards provided indispensable support. Self-help reading abounds with sensible, individual-level advice to heal, such as exercise, eat healthy, seek counseling, “date yourself,” discover new hobbies, avoid social media and reminders of your ex.

But while struggling amid heartache harms employees and companies alike, workplace supports remain scarce. We can do better.

In a culture of toxic productivity that rewards overwork, overcoming social pressure to carry on unaffected often presents the first hurdle to gaining workplace support. My lowest days filled me with shame I couldn’t live up to my former over-achiever self, which honestly wasn’t always healthy. But beyond perfunctory condolences, or even invitations for additional assignments, I received no information about institutional supports when revealing my recent breakup during my annual review.

Still, I’m paring down work where I can, stepping back from extra service. Embracing my limitations required me to push aside my chagrin, for example, when I relinquished an academic editing position while another colleague worked on the project until the day before major spinal surgery. She definitely earns a gold star. But swallowing my pride bought me more time hibernating under my comforter, reading fiction and eating chocolate, affirming the necessity of cutting myself slack for my well-being.

In my flexible job I often enjoy the privilege of working remotely, in solitude, and controlling my schedule—supports that could benefit many lovesick workers or those simply striving for work-life balance.

Medical leave remains an option in the most severe circumstances but can be cumbersome, potentially requiring documentation and approval. Moreover, medicalization implicitly pathologizes an experience fundamental to the human condition. Instead, a brief “heartbreak leave” could help workers get back on track.

Given that more than 4 in 10 U.S. workers don’t take all of their paid time off, for fear of falling behind and losing their jobs to concerns about burdening co-workers, it’s unlikely employees would abuse a few days off for heartache. Research indicates divorce can even positively affect work, with more than a third of people in one study reporting more time, focus, and renewed motivation.

But early intervention could help those struggling avoid further physical and mental deterioration and lengthier future leaves. More employers have begun offering divorce benefits, including counseling, legal assistance, flexible work, and paid time off, to reduce attrition and increase satisfaction. Companies in Germany, Japan, and Australia offer some form of heartbreak leave to bolster employee health and retention. The German language even has a word, Liebeskummer, blending Liebe (love) and Kummer (grief, sorrow), to recognize such suffering.

If pausing the work treadmill isn’t possible, we can slow it down to ensure no one falls off. Transforming our workaholic culture to one of empathy and mutual support first requires openness and communication. Rather than assume what an employee needs during a personal crisis, supervisors should present all available resources. For my part, I’m resisting concealing my struggles. Bringing my whole self to work means sharing my juggling act of chronic illness, family caregiving, and lately, breakup grief.

I take inspiration wherever I can find it, like a sticker affixed to a New York City trash can urging, “Love is a risk, do it anyway.” I’m guarding my heart but remain hopeful as I rebuild the foundation for healthy and fulfilling relationships, now back with my partner and working on repairing trust and beginning anew.

We should feel devastated when a former beloved exits our life. The depth of our grief after such loss, whether through death or separation, reflects our love, care, attachment, and investment—all good things. It’s in everyone’s interest that the workplaces where we spend most of our waking hours strengthen the guardrails should our romantic endeavors crash and burn next time we drive off into the sunset. While few of us can call off work without our boss’s blessing, a little extra support could prevent a chronic case of Liebeskummer from outlasting a bad summer romance.

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Stacy Torres advocates for workplace support during heartbreak, proposing "heartbreak leave" to help employees cope with the emotional toll of relationship breakdowns.